Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
