He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
