2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
