I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
