Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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