dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
he was CRYING into my vagina
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then my night got REAL pukey
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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