my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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