her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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