omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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