Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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