The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
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do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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