I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
