Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
