And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just gift wrapped bread.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
