nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
