I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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