This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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