You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize