sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Randomize
