I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
he fucked my hip out of place.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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