He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
