We named our party play list daddy issues
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
