I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
