We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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