u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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