I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
