tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
