This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
