There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
