My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
