Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
