Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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