Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
