a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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