I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
