i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
