I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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