The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
