I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
