Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
vagina is talking i cant
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
