I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Dignity is for republicans.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
