so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
