i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
