So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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