god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
