Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
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