We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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