atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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