Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
