i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
