we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
