I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I stole an accordion from the bar
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion