The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen