its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on