I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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