i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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