Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
