dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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