Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
