At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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